Le Cliche' a la RPG
by Triad
Summary: Ever get the feeling that you've been playing the same game over and over? The same reluctant guy with the wild hair? You're not alone. Give an R/R
1. Part One

THE (other) GRAND LIST OF CONSOLE RPG CLICHES!  
  
By Triad  
  
There Is Only One Goddamn Side Of My Bed (Cid rule)  
  
There's always someone who is forever pissed off about something. Perhaps collecting dust in the airship gets to them after a while.  
  
First Rule Of Death (Opossum rule)  
  
When a character "dies" in battle, they fall, collapsed, and are unable to do anything until they are "revived" with some angel spit or something. However, when you leave the battle, and are back in "real time", your "dead" characters are up and walking like they always are, until, of course, you have an encounter. Then they go straight back down 'till you sprinkle them with angel spit, or whatever it's called.  
  
Second Rule Of Death ("Damn, that's a good mattress." rule)  
  
Even if you're missing limbs, are bleeding profusely, and are dragging a troop of shredded corpses behind you, one good night's sleep in an inn will do you a world of good. In fact, you'll all wake up in mint condition, fully resurrected, limbs reattached, poison cured, magical energy at maximum, and without a single hint of pain from the night before. How is this done? Simple: rpg mattresses are so comfortable that they in fact are the best form of medical treatment in the universe. Your fatal wounds are "comfied" away in a matter of hours, at an extremely low cost, too! Beware, however. Don't try this on the common terrain, or in any old bed. It's just not comfortable enough.  
  
Third Rule Of Death ("Hey, Aeris? Uh...Aeris? You okay? Helloooo...?" rule)  
  
Although battle wounds and deaths are manageable, if a character is injured or killed outside of the battle screen, things are not looking good for them. Angel spit and super-comfy beds just won't help them now...  
  
Fourth Rule Of Death ("Ha-ha! You missed me!" rule)  
  
If a character is actually killed, don't expect to never see them again. In fact, expect to see them more, in their "guardian angel" form then you did when they were still alive. Dead characters are proven to be extremely valuable assets to party members, and actually are more useful than live ones, as live characters do not suddenly appear when you are about to have your lungs ripped out by a seven-foot-tall human Cuisinart.  
  
Fifth Rule Of Death ("Why the hell can't I do that?!" rule)  
  
When you kill one of the villain's powerful allies, or the even the villain himself, there is a 90% or greater chance that they will return from the dead, twice as powerful as they were, with you in their crosshairs.  
  
If Only She'd Though Of This Earlier  
  
Even if he'd been getting his own ass shoved into his mouth repeatedly during the previous battle, if the hero's beloved is severely injured, and/or appears to be dead, the hero will go into an insane rage, either destroying everything in his path, or unleashing the strongest offensive magical attack in the universe. This usually occurs toward the late-middle part of the game, and it never crosses the girl's mind to fake another death, during the final battle, so that the hero goes berserk again, and does something really, really bad to the villain.  
  
Outdoor Accommodations Rule #1 ("Be gone, foul beasts!" rule)  
  
Regardless of whether you're on the run from demonic spirits, or giant Shadow Dragons, you always can find a safe haven inside the security of your very own tent. Not only do they travel light, are cheaper than angel spit (or whatever that stuff is called), are just as comfortable as the beds at the inn, BUT they also mystically shun away the most ferocious of beasts, so that nothing can attack our heroes as they slumber. Hell, if they work so damn good, why doesn't everyone else in the world just huddle up in one big tent to be safe from peril, while our intrepid young heroes save the day? These people really have to get on the ball, I'm telling you.  
  
Outdoor Accommodations Rule #2 ("Dammit, Zell! This thing isn't weatherproof!" rule)  
  
One drawback to using tents/cabins is their lack of durability. After one usage, your tent/cabin will unfortunately be reduced to a pile of worthless sticks and strips of fabric. This is (theoretically) because of monster- repellant fabric's extreme weakness to the outside world. Apparently, after a few hours of exposure to moisture and breeze, your makeshift dwelling collapses, conveniently, as your party wakes up. But 250 Gil is a small price to pay, considering.  
  
Outdoor Accommodations Rule #3 ("Dude, it says not to right there." rule)  
  
Another small downside to these super-effective forms of temporary lodging is that they can only be used on flat terrain, and never, ever in a town or building. This is mainly because our heroes are well-kept, law-abiding citizens, and if they aren't supposed to camp out in Kefka's front yard, or sleep in ShinRa's parking lot, then by golly, they'll just have to find a clean patch of grassland somewhere instead.  
  
They Don't Call 'Em "Master Locks" For Nothing  
  
No one, not the hero, not the villain, the villains crusty henchman, the villains brother-in-law, or even the gods, can open a locked door if they do not have the key. Regardless of whether you are the strongest man in the world, are level 99, have magic attacks that could level the entire building and the surrounding town in one shot, you will not, and can not ever open the locked door to the old farmer's house. Fortunately, the key normally resides in the rent-a-guard's front pocket, and will conveniently fall out onto the ground once you promptly knock him flat.  
  
Object Obstruction Rule #1 ("I can't do it, it's just too hard." rule)  
  
Akin to the above rule, the most POWERFUL MAN in the UNIVERSE cannot access a treasure chest, magic item, weapon, sandwich, or anything else that is obstructed by a box, crate, rock, statue, person, etc. by any conventional means (i.e. MOVING THE DAMN THING OUT OF THE WAY.) You will have to wait until either one of things happens:  
  
1. Our heroes are blessed with some ancient hymn that will cause the barrier to crumble away.  
  
2. The building is liberated from the tyrant's rule, and all of the treasure has been kindly left in easy-to-reach places, and is yours for the taking.  
  
3. Some quirky werewolf pickpocket snatches it from under your noses.  
  
4. You "get permission" from the king/queen to take the item. (See Object Obstruction Rule #2)  
  
5. An earthquake/meteor/tidal wave/other natural disaster destroys the obstructing thing.  
  
6. You finally accept that your characters cannot jump/move objects/kill innocent guards, and you forget about the stupid treasure chest/magic item/weapon/sandwich.  
  
Object Obstruction Rule #2 ("Sorry there, kid. You need permission to take the Masamune." rule)  
  
During your quest, you will always encounter a room that's "off limits" to planet-saving hero scumbags like you. This room is usually locked (gasp!) and guarded by one or two people that are less than half your level. Being smiley abiders of the common law, your party would never, ever consider kicking the bejeezus out of the rent-a-guards, and strolling past their unconscious bodies, looting the goods from the room beyond. Instead, you will have to complete a quest, run an extremely dangerous errand, or save the castle from the villain's army. Ironically, this item is usually a weapon of a very high caliber, and would have assisted you greatly in the previous task.  
  
Oh, No! It's Sephiroth's Theme Music! Run For Your Lives!  
  
You can always tell in advance when the villain is going to arrive on the scene by the familiar, eerie, dramatic tune that plays in the background for a good ten seconds before the evil one actually appears. His sneaky henchmen must've rigged the place with a decent sound system before you got there, and are waiting to cue the music at the appropriate moment. (Note: In the event that you are not yet familiar with the villain or his theme music, you can usually tell by the pounding of a pipe organ, the tolling of ancient bells, and the low chant of a gothic choir from the late 1300's.)  
  
Silent Bob Rule #1 ("I heard that, Crono" rule)  
  
In every game, there's always one character, who says little to nothing at all (Crono, Vincent, Gogo, Vivi, Squall, etc.) However, the other characters in the game will react and respond to this character, as they normally do with other, none-silent characters. Perhaps these select characters emit special psionic waves that tell absolutely everyone in the universe, besides the player, what they are thinking.  
  
Silent Bob Rule #2 ("Da Mastah Playah" rule)  
  
The aforementioned silent characters, although they say next to nothing (or in fact, nothing), they seem to have the absolute best luck with romantic relationships. Perhaps their significant others admire their inability to argue with them.  
  
Obnoxious Ladies' Man Rule  
  
As well as the silent, antisocial character is prevalent in most every rpg, so is the Obnoxious Ladies' Man (Edgar, Zidaine, Irvine, Edge, etc.) Although said characters are girl crazy, and flirt as much as they fight, they never seem to have any luck with the ladies whatsoever. Such independent, strong rpg heroines apparently can't be bothered with the Obnoxious Ladies' Men, and instead, fall head over heels for the above Silent Bob characters.  
  
She's Really Very Sorry! (Yuffie rule)  
  
Being pure-hearted, understanding folks, rpg heroes are always ready to forgive the person who just stole four thousand Gil and half of their inventory from them, stabbed the innocent guy across the street, tied a plastic bag around a small dog's neck, and even kicked dirt in the hero's face. As long as the said character gives a one or two word apology, they're as good as party members to our heroes. We really value each other's kind words.  
  
"I'm a gonna run you outta town, varmint!"  
  
At some point in the game, you can always expect an overly dramatic showdown between the hero, and his archrival. Usually, this fight will accomplish next to nothing, and in fact, both parties will walk away in decent condition, because one of the following things happened:  
  
1. The female lead can't stand to see her beloved beat up on someone like this.  
  
2. The female lead interposes, and insists that if her beloved is to die, than she will die as well, and the male rival (who is in fact, in love with her) cannot bear to take her life.  
  
3. The rival's mistress cannot bear to see her beloved massacre someone/massacred, and takes similar action to 1 or 2.  
  
4. Both female characters come to the shocking conclusion that "men are stupid" and walk away, not caring who survives, causing both combatants to desist and chase after them.  
  
5. The real villain arrives on the scene and kidnaps one or both female characters, and both combatants stop fighting, unsure of what to do next.  
  
6. The real villain arrives on the scene and abducts EVERYONE, placing them in a maximum security prison, which is, of course, extremely easy to escape from.  
  
7. Both combatants are beaten to a pulp, and laughed at by their girlfriends, who decide to leave them there in the dirt, and discuss their problems over coffee at the local cafe. 


	2. Part Two

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!  
  
The NEXT Grand List Of Console RPG ClichÃ©s!  
  
By Triad  
  
The Birdcage Rule  
  
In almost every single rpg, there are some non-heterosexual elements present. A few examples are:  
  
1) Men whom date other men for no apparent reason  
  
2) Characters who either -  
  
a: are unsure of their gender  
  
b: have changed their gender one or multiple times  
  
c: do not, in fact, have a gender  
  
3) Men who oddly look like women and wear costumes composed of armored lingerie and eye makeup  
  
4) Characters who make complete asses out of themselves in nauseatingly flamboyant dance sequences (see Michael Flatly's Revenge)  
  
Story Battle Rule ("You mean the last battle is really just an FMV and I can kick Sephiroth in the shins and still kill him? Cool!" rule)  
  
In many an rpg, you will find that there's at least one battle that will have the same outcome whether you're giving your best performance that day, or your drunk and unconscious with your face laying on the controller, pressing random buttons. However disappointing this is, it still provides for some humorous scenes which are much more enjoyable than killing the boss yourself (or not.)  
  
Example:  
  
CLOUD - *uses ANTIDOTE on SEPHIROTH*  
  
SEPHIROTH - *tilts head back and DIES*  
  
Or  
  
GALUF - *protected by POWER OF LOVE, sits and twiddles thumbs*  
  
EXEDEATH - *realizes that hate is useless against love...even if hate possesses FIRE 3...*  
  
RPG Fan Rule ("Non-Conformity, dude!" rule)  
  
I know them, you know them, hell, maybe you even are one. There's always the person who no matter how cool or how well-developed, believable, interesting, etc. the main character is, they are determined to hate that characters guts, just because "everyone else likes them." Although these people are usually low in IQ and high in ignorance, they still provide many good laughs for us open-minded gamers, with their rallying cries of  
  
"Cloud sucked! The game woulda been better without him! CAIT SITH 4 EVA! WOOOOO!" and  
  
"Everyone likes Squall...he's like so mainstream man! Be an in-di-vi-du-al and...like...make yourself like someone who you don't really like just...like, not to be 'another one', man! Me? I'm, like, all for the Cactrot's, man! They were so...green and...prickly...yeah...not like those humanoid posers!"  
  
These fans will go to great lengths to tear down the "mainstream" characters, instead of just PLAYING THE GOD DAMNED GAME, and enjoying it for what it is, not spending half their time ripping apart the hero and his girlfriend.  
  
It's Maaaaaagic...You Know...  
  
All female magic users are, as a rule, incredibly attractive.  
  
So What If He's Wearing Pink And He Speaks In Pig Latin? Look At The Rendering On That Tree He's In!  
  
Poor characters can always be compensated for by awesome graphics. (This also compensates for bad plots or the lack thereof.)  
  
I Did It All For The...No...Wait...  
  
Nope, sorry. These 16-17 year old kids have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. They completely accept that they have a job to do, and no matter how almost superhumanly attractive the person in the bed next to them is, they can and will totally control themselves.  
  
C'mon, Bitch! C'mon!!! (Seifer rule)  
  
*Sigh*...the arrogant minor villains always bite off more they can chew. While really only going after their archrival, the hero, they more than welcome his allies into the fight, just to prove how tough they are. After all, what the hell could that girl with the Frisbee on her arm or that old geezer with the staff do to them?  
  
Hi! My Name Is...My Name Is...My Name Is... (Namingway rule)  
  
If you're lucky enough, you just might come across the ever-elusive (or not) weirdo that lets you change your name. Whether this is via "rename card" or just a matter of him writing it in that strange little book he has, with the push of a few buttons, you can walk away with a brand new alias! Cool! And the awesome part is, every single person you come across, whether it be your mother, your closest friend, that kid that throws shit at you at lunch, the old hermit on the mountain, everyone in the world will be instantly informed of your new "nom de plume", and won't have any qualms about addressing you by it, even if it's something evil and bizarre lifted directly from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat.  
  
Dr. Jekyll's Corollary  
  
The nicest, most helpful, trustworthy guy in the game will (ninety percent of the time) turn out to be the cruelest, most demonic bastard you've dealt with yet. Usually this is due to the fact that he is actually the villain or the villain's right hand man, cleverly shape shifted into the kind old man at the orange stand down the street.  
  
Timmy! Don't Play With Those Dice! You Might Do 4556 Points Of Damage To Yourself! Here! Play With This Mithril Blade Instead!  
  
In the strange world of RPGs, you may find that the most unusual things can become lethal weapons at the drop of a hat. Oddly enough, these hair accessories/game pieces/children's toys/cleaning implements are often much more damaging than conventional weapons, such as swords and daggers.  
  
Peace, Officer! (Ranger rule)  
  
Police and authorities are almost completely nonexistent, until you've suddenly done something bad. Surprise! They've been hiding this whole time!  
  
It'll Be There By Ten Tomorrow, Or NO Ragnarok!  
  
At least once in the game you'll be asked to make some menial delivery (like bringing a bottle of apple juice to some guy's house) Although this has absolutely no relevance to the game, goal, or the sought after item, it will kindly convince the nice old miser to toss you the keys to his brand new airship.  
  
You Killed My Mother! I'm Really Gonna Beat You Up Now!  
  
No matter how many times the bad guys openly threaten our heroes with death, torture, polka music, etc, and sometimes carry out these threats, our heroes never seem to respond in kind. Instead, we noblely "Vow to defeat them for the good of mankind!" or some such sugarcoated nonsense. Geez, these guys have cool heads for mercenaries, necromancers, assassins, and the other calm, happy types found in the world.  
  
Wow! Won't We Not Be Surprised When They Don't Say Anything (Garnet rule)  
  
For some reason, the programmers felt the need to specify (even when no text had been displayed for the last thirty minutes) that certain characters are not saying anything. You will be notified periodically what characters are still not speaking by the ever famous "......".  
  
Gotta Go With The Flow, Mon!  
  
For some odd reason, the absolute most awesome characters in the game (Seifer, Beatrix, Edea, Leo, Blank...) only grace your party for a mere one or two missions. Sadly, it seems that the moment you pick your jaw up off the floor from gawking at their absolutely awesome abilities, they promptly bid thee ado and hightail it out of there, for your party is now "old news" and is no longer "hip" enough for their "mad phatness"...or something like that. You know the rest, my doggs.  
  
Michael Flatly's Revenge  
  
As a rule, in every single rpg, there is always, always, always some sort of dance sequence in some part of the game. These scenes are (for the most part) tasteless, nauseatingly childish, and make me want to stab no.2 pencils into my eyes and rip them from their sockets. I don't usually do this, but I just have to rant about this one. Sorry, kids.  
  
1.) YOU ARE NOT A CAVEMAN, CRONO! STOP DANCING LIKE A FOOL! SHE ALREADY WANTS YOU!  
  
2.) I didn't know Riverdance was big in Burmecia...hell...I didn't even know Celtic Ireland swapped cultures with a bunch of talking rats.  
  
3.) I am NEVER going into Cafe HOWDY ever, ever, EVER again.  
  
4.) Gee...I'm really glad I spent TEN THOUSAND GP on a pass at the Saloon KING to see one-inch-tall go-go dancers jump across the screen...am I supposed to be turned on here? I need your help, people.  
  
5.) Oh, well, I guess I have no complaints about the ff8 ballroom dance...it was at least done...tastefully.  
  
I Think I Can, I Think I Can!  
  
As much as they try to over-dramatize it, drag it out, and lead you to believe otherwise, the lead character will always emerge from the ruins of the final battle. True, afterward he may go off on a tangent that leads him to be trapped in the bottom of a psychotic tree for the duration of the year, and he may even be sucked back many years into the past, but never fear. Our hero will always swagger back on camera, in mint condition, shortly before the scene cuts, and that strange woman sings a song during the credits.  
  
HAHAHA! Boy Did I Beat You Up! It's OK Now! We Forgive You, Loser.  
  
Often, the villain will be forgiven by the party shortly after he gets the crap beat out of him. Unfortunately/fortunately he will pass away as soon as you utter words of kindness because he was mortally wounded/in possession of only half a body/hit by a bus, etc. You get the idea. 


	3. Part Three

**The Forty Foot Leap**

You can jump way the hell up into the air during your desperation attack, but you somehow cant cross a gap in the floorboards...

**OH what a comeback! (Limit Break Rule)**

As a villain, kicking the hero's ass is apparently the best way to make sure they get damn well pissed off enough to turn the tables on you. Prepare for the forty foot leap. Don't forget to further the pro-wrestling cliche by standing still as you get smacked silly while the player frantically mashes R1.

**It's gotta be the hair... (a.k.a. Rule of Male Significance)**

You can recognize characters male characters that are significant to the plot by their wild, cumbersome hairstyles. Men with average-length, plain hairstyles are either random townspeople or goons that you will defeat in the hundreds in simple random encounters.

**But I'm a Dapper Dan man!**

These cumbersome hairstyles are maintained due to the ready amount of hair products available in all locations, including dungeons, ice deserts, volcanoes, outer space, prehistoric times, and secret ancient continents.

**Dude looks like a lady**

Androgenous males are no doubt the most dangerous damn things you'll come across. The more flamboyant, the deadlier. Apparently Panic! At The Disco changed their stage act and no longer requires the need of these characters - understandably, they're quite pissed. This world is not enough, after all.

**OMFG Zerg rush!**

You can tell you've entered the final plot arc when the OMFG Zerg rush! occurs. The villain unleashes a horde of monsters pointed at the planet. Or a ridiculously large fleet of airships. Or a natural disaster. Or a collossal sleeping giant. While your airship will most certainly collide with these nasties, they dont amount to much more than an impressive aerial FMV of impending danger, which leads us to out next rule...

**Nah, it's cool. We'll be here when you get back.**

The OMFG Zerg rush really isn't that significant, as is any other non-instantaneous catastrophe. You can take the next 50 hours to level up, do bonus quests, pimp your weapons. It's all good. The OMFG Zerg rush is frozen in time, waiting for you to be as ready as possible to clean house.

**So THAT'S what it does...**

The useless weapon you either start the game with or acquire after the first boss fight is the most powerful weapon of it's kind. You just need to:

1) wait until the world is destroyed and it's "true purpose is revealed"

2) wait until your surrogate father figure is murdered by the lead villain, unleashing your "true rage" within the weapon

3) wait until your character's stats fulfill the arbitrary mathematics that dictate the weapon's usefulness

**With Friends like you...(Zegram Rule)**

Betraying the party one or multiple times and facilitating the demise of the world is pretty well forgiveable, I mean, you're sorry after all, right?

**99 bottles of Ether on the wall...**

Even if there's space for more tents, swords, log cabins, robot accessories in the party bag, i'm sorry, there's just doesn't seem to be a place for that hundredth potion...

**'Cause this is my United States of Whatever!**

There's always a flippant character that pretends not to care about anything. Be patient. He's suffered a tragic loss in the past and this is "just how he deals with things".

**Charlie, how'd your Angels get down like that?**

A petite girl with a supermodel figure and no trace of muscle can totally own a hulking thug in a fistfight. Girls can do anything boys can do!

**Charlie, how'd your Angels get down like that? (Part II)**

Aforementioned petite girl will look rather immaculate after beating down scores of hulking thugs, hair and makeup in place.

**He wasn't there when we got here!**

Due to the fact that you cannot see most random encounters on the map, you can be ambushed by pretty much anything. Including giant iron golems in tiny prison cells, or hordes of zombies in the storeroom of a mansion.

**Tyler Durden's Corollary**

You will wear one set of clothing, it will last you the entire game. Except when you have to infiltrate an enemy base or sing in the opera.

**Everything I know about women I learned from games...**

The best way to make a girl like you is to be a complete asshole. If you act like a decent human being, she'll blow you off and wont give you the time of day until you save her life, which you'll undoubtedly have to do at least once.

**Fucking Nerd Translator Rule**

The guy who translated your game from original Japanese has an unhealthy obsession with Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/Star Trek/The Matrix/The Beatles/Led Zepplin/Monty Python and thinks it's really funny to insert periodic references to these things in the game's dialogue.

**David Blaine's world of shame**

Pretty much everyone can hold their breath underwater indefinitely or for some record breaking amount of time, like twenty minutes. They can also vigorously swim and fight while doing so.

**Batshit Crazy**

You can piece together any nonsensical plot by simply falling back on the fact that the lead villain is certifiably insane.

**No quarter for the Batshit Crazy**

Being seekers of justice, the heroes see no harm in killing the hell out of a Batshit Crazy villain for acting out his/her delusions. After all, being certifiably insane isn't a valid legal defense. Oh, wait. It is.


End file.
